Many children take pleasure from working on difficult tasks and putting forth the effort to achieve goals. But many children with too-high expectations will accept nothing less from themselves than perfection. There is no pleasure or satisfaction if they don’t get it “just right.” If they make a mistake—a less-than-perfect grade on that math test, for example—they become self-critical and lose confidence. They see it as a personal failure and can become very rigid as they always try to attain perfection. There is a big difference between the desire to excel and the need to be perfect. Perfectionism can lead to anxiety and cause a host of problems later in life.
Life is about making mistakes and learning from them. One of the biggest gifts we can give our children, especially those with perfectionist tendencies, is the freedom to make mistakes, even to fail. If we take a broader view of mistakes and failure and see them through a different lens, we can see that they are actually opportunities in disguise. Mistakes can be seen as a chance to improve performance or to assess whether that particular activity is even for your child. And sometimes mistakes can turn out to not be mistakes at all and can open the door to something new and wonderful. Surprise!
Thomas Edison, who gave us many inventions including the light bulb, famously said, “If I find 10,000 ways something won’t work, I haven’t failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.” Edison took his so-called failures and transformed them into opportunities. And in doing so he changed the world.
Here are a few tips for helping your child see mistakes in a new way:
- First, talk about it. You may not want to upset your child by bringing up something they already feel badly about, but actually it is crucial that you do so. Feelings unspoken get buried inside and this can become a lifelong and maladaptive coping skill.
- Help them to identify their feelings—sad, mad, disappointed. This will help to put a name on what they’re feeling and help your child to build their emotional vocabulary.
- Tell a hopeful story about a time when you made a mistake or failed at something and how it all turned out fine. This will let them know that you can survive after failure.
- And, of course, let your child know that your love is not contingent on their successes or failures but that you love them for the very best reason—because they are exactly who they are.
