Has your child ever had a melt down over something that appeared insignificant? Or they have a low frustration tolerance and get out of control easily? Emotional regulation refers to a person’s ability to understand and accept his or her emotional experience, to engage in healthy strategies to manage uncomfortable emotions when necessary. Some kids find it easy to manage their emotions while others have significant trouble handling their feelings.
Self regulation and emotional regulation matures just like other developmental processes. Children as they get older learn to think before they act.
Children who are able to regulate their emotions pay more attention, work harder, and achieve more in school. They are better able to resolve conflicts with their peers and show lower levels of physiological stress. They are also better behaved — and more caring towards others. (These conclusions are based, especially, on research by John Gottman and his colleagues on the benefits of parental “emotion coaching.”)
For kids who have trouble regulating their emotions they have a harder time with their peers, have emotional outbursts, have trouble following directions in school and a lower self esteem.
How can you teach children to regulate their emotions?
1. Regulate Your Own Emotions.
Children won’t always do what you say, but they will always, eventually, do what you do. Kids learn emotional regulation from us. When we stay calm, it teaches our child that there’s no emergency, even if they feels like there is at the moment. Our calmness is what teaches little ones how to soothe themselves.
2. Provide as much stability and consistency as possible.
Clear household rules, and predictable routines help children to know what to expect so they feel calmer and more secure. Help children structure their day by providing a calendar. Children can stay more emotionally regulated when they know what to expect.
3. Respond to the needs and feelings behind problem behavior
“Troublesome” behavior signals overwhelming feelings or unmet needs. If you don’t address the feelings and needs, they’ll just burst out later, causing other problem behavior. Identify the feeling you see your child struggling with. Such as, “You’re really frustrated right now!”
4. Talk about your own feelings
Role modeling how you feel will teach your child about feelings and that it’s okay to have many different feelings. Children are less likely to resort to acting out behaviorally if they have the tool of words to express how they feel. You can also point out how others are feeling on TV or in the grocery store so children can see that feeling can be expressed in different ways. Children are less likely to resort to acting out behaviorally if they have the tool of words to express how they feel.
5. Teach problem Solving skills
Identify typical situations which result in emotional explosions and plan ahead how you and your child may handle the situation. For example, when going to an Amusement park if your child may not be tall enough to ride on certain rides-Look on the website of the park together before going and discuss what rides your child can go on. Planning ahead once again creates structure and safety so your child is less likely to have an emotional meltdown.
If your child continues to struggle with managing their feeling and you as a parent don’t know how to help them- contact us! We can help you and your child learn tools to create an environment in your home that is more regulated and easier to manage.
Written by: Sheri Mitschelen, LCSW, RPT/S Owner and Director of Crossroads Family Counseling Center, LLC and Family and Play Institute of Virginia. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) in the State of Virginia and a Registered Play Therapy-Supervisor (RPT-S). She has 25 years of experience working with children, adolescents and families.
