Grief is an extremely difficult journey and can be even more challenging to navigate during the holidays. Despite the amount of time since a loss, the death of a family member, friend, or pet, or even losses resulting from a parental divorce can be substantial triggers for children during the holidays. Grief does not have a timeline and will act, look, and feel differently from day to day, week to week, and year to year.
When a family has experienced a loss, parents are struggling to manage their own grief in addition to supporting the children through theirs. Holidays are more difficult because they are a time when families are supposed to feel happy and joyful and instead, bereaved families feel sad and anxious. Grief and joyfulness are contradictions.
Families should be informed there is no right or wrong way to handle the holidays. The key to coping with grief during the holidays is for each member to communicate needs and find the way that “feels” right for the family unit and to be flexible should needs change throughout the day.
Some people find it helpful to be with family and friends, emphasizing the familiar. Others may wish to avoid old sights and sounds entirely and may take a trip to an exotic location. Others will find entirely new ways to acknowledge the season.
It is important to plan ahead, and also important to anticipate the changes you will need to make. It does take a little more effort to implement creative change in holiday planning. But flexibility is essential for the grieving family. Traditions bind families and societies tightly to one another. Altering our traditions to suit our current needs also makes sense. Each moment, each stage of life, demands its own customs and its own rituals.
The goal of the bereaved is to find a means of learning to live with the grief and sadness instead of being consumed by it. Allowing moments of sadness as well as laughter…especially during the holidays.
Ideas for parents to help grieving children during the holidays:
- Openly talk about memories involving the loved one during previous holiday seasons, but limit the loss from becoming the entire focus of the day.
- It is helpful to have an additional remembrance of the person who died. Light a candle in his or her honor. Hang an ornament on the tree that reminds each of the loved one. Encourage the children to draw a favorite memory to be displayed amidst decorations.
- Make a Christmas Ornament.
- If appropriate, engage in activities the children enjoyed doing with the person they lost.
- Remember, it is okay for parents to cry and show emotion in front of the children. They are looking to you to model both grief and healing. Moments of joy despite the grief.
- Lots and lots of family HUGS!!!!
Happy Holidays from Crossroads Family Counseling Center, LLC