Attachment theory suggests that humans form bonds with their primary caregivers early in infancy, and these bonds can form in ways such that an infant’s attachment to their caregivers can be categorized as secure, insecure (anxious or avoidant), or disorganized. Infants are likely to form secure attachment bonds with their caregivers when these caregivers are consistent in their sensitivity and responsiveness to the infant’s needs. Our self-concepts are founded in the context of their attachment relationships, as our caregivers’ responsiveness and sensitivity gives us an understanding of our effectiveness and worth. Our early attachment experiences and subsequent reinforcing or repairing experiences have significant implications for social development, mental health, and relationship functioning throughout the lifetime. To learn more about attachment theory and raising a securely attached child, head to this link.
Below, you will find three tips for raising a securely attached child:
1. Learn to view your child’s behavior as communication
Viewing your child’s behaviors as communication is a great way to help you see your child’s needs expressed through their behavior. Children have trouble sharing their needs and internal experiences verbally, and as such, they express themselves through behavior (and play!). In infancy, many behaviors are attachment signals, such as crying, reaching, and eye contact (Ainsworth et al., 1974). Attachment signals are an infant’s way of expressing a need or desire for proximity and closeness to their caregiver. Children use behavior to communicate in a multitude of ways as they get older. The key is to try to see the needs in their expressed behavior. Viewing your child’s behaviors as communication will help you to seek an understanding of what they are trying to communicate, and this will help you be responsive to your child’s needs. As explained below, this responsiveness will help your child develop a secure attachment.
2. Be consistent in your sensitivity and responsiveness
Secure attachment is facilitated by caregivers’ consistency in their sensitivity and responsiveness to a child’s expressed needs (Notaro & Volling, 1999). Infants have incredible skills for statistical learning, which means they are able to gain a sense of patterns in their experiences and understand the likelihood of experienced events occurring in the future (Kirsh & Cassidy, 1997). Consistency is key, as it communicates to children that they can depend on their caregivers to meet their needs and show up when they need help. A child that expects their caregiver to meet their needs doesn’t have to worry about their needs being met or whether they will be taken care of if something goes wrong. This frees up cognitive space for children to explore and learn. Children who can’t expect their caregivers to meet their needs will become preoccupied or anxious about having their needs met out of fear that they will not survive (insecure-anxious attachment style), OR they will become mistrustful and disconnected from their caregivers and believe they must rely on themselves (insecure-avoidant attachment style). Although having a child that can rely on themselves might sound nice, having an avoidant attachment style is not optimal for development because humans are inherently social creatures that need connection and support to thrive. In our culture, we sometimes think that attending to all of our children’s needs and cries will cause them to be spoiled or dependent, and we think of dependence as the opposite of independence. However, the truth is that healthy dependence fosters independence. This is because a child with a healthy dependence on their caregivers can freely explore their world without fear, knowing that their caregiver will be there for them if something goes wrong. This fosters confidence and helps children become more independent.
3. Learn about your own attachment style
Our own attachment styles are likely to influence the attachment bonds that we form with our children (Belsky, 2005; Smith et al., 2006). This is because our attachment styles impact the way we respond in relationships, including parent-child relationships (Jones et al., 2015; Smith et al., 2006). For example, a parent with an insecure attachment style might take their child’s rejection of cuddles personally instead of seeing this behavior as a signal that their child is overwhelmed or overstimulated. A dysregulated adult cannot help a dysregulated child. In order for a caregiver to create a safe environment for their child to seek help or have their needs met, the child needs to know their caregiver can respond to the child without distress or defensiveness. So, it can be helpful for parents to gain an understanding of their own attachment styles and get to know how their own attachment styles impact their interactions with their child. The good news is that our attachment styles can change, and we can learn new ways of responding in our relationships that can help in raising securely attached children. A therapist can help you understand your attachment style, how it impacts your parenting, and how to take control of your automatic emotional responses.
Citations:
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Bell, S. M., & Stayton, D. F. (1974). Infant-mother attachment and social development: Socialization as a product of reciprocal responsiveness to signals.
Belsky, J. (2005). The developmental and evolutionary psychology of intergenerational transmission of attachment. Attachment and bonding: A new synthesis, 92.
Kirsh, S. J., & Cassidy, J. (1997). Preschoolers’ attention to and memory for attachment‐relevant information. Child Development, 68(6), 1143-1153.
Jones, J. D., Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (2015). Adult attachment style and parenting. In J. A. Simpson & W. S. Rholes (Eds.), Attachment theory and research: New directions and emerging themes (pp. 234–260). The Guilford Press.
Notaro, P. C., & Volling, B. L. (1999). Parental responsiveness and infant-parent attachment: A replication study with fathers and mothers. Infant Behavior and Development, 22(3), 345-352.
Smith, C. L., Calkins, S. D., & Keane, S. P. (2006). The relation of maternal behavior and attachment security to toddlers’ emotions and emotion regulation. Research in Human Development, 3(1), 21-31.
About the Author:
Abby has a BA in psychology and family science with a minor in human development from the University of Maryland, College Park. She is working towards her Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy at Virginia Tech. She provides services to children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families and works with a variety of concerns including self-esteem, emotion regulation, depression, anxiety, grief, adjustment, parenting challenges, and relationship challenges.